Seeking validation, especially from loved ones and respected individuals, is a common human experience. However, when this desire for approval persists into adulthood, it can hinder personal growth and happiness. Many adults continue to seek their parents' approval well into their own adult lives, impacting relationships, career decisions, and overall well-being.
What Causes This Behaviour?
The origins of this behaviour can be deeply rooted in childhood experiences, shaping an individual's perception of self-worth and validation. Growing up in an environment where self-esteem was tied to external approval, particularly from parents, can create a lasting impact on one's psyche. This dependency on external validation can create a pattern that is challenging to break free from in adulthood.
Several factors may have influenced this behaviour during childhood:
1. Conditional love:
Children who receive love and acceptance based on specific behaviours or achievements may internalise the belief that their worth is tied to what they do rather than who they are. This can lead to a constant need for validation and approval from others.
2. Authoritarian parenting:
An upbringing characterised by strict rules, control, and a lack of autonomy can stifle a child's individuality and creativity. Children raised in such environments may struggle to develop a strong sense of self and rely on external validation to feel secure.
3. Emotional neglect:
Growing up in an environment where emotional needs are not met can result in feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Children who do not receive adequate emotional support may seek validation from others to fill the emotional void left by neglect.
These early experiences can shape an individual's beliefs about themselves and their relationships with others, leading to a persistent need for external validation. Recognising and understanding the roots of this behaviour is an essential step towards breaking free from this pattern and cultivating a healthier sense of self-worth and validation.
Negative Effects of Seeking Parental Approval
Persistently seeking parental approval can lead to various adverse outcomes:
Fear of failure: The pressure to constantly meet parental expectations can instill a deep fear of failure. This fear can lead to risk-averse behavior, where individuals may avoid taking necessary risks for personal and professional growth, ultimately hindering their development and potential for success.
People-pleasing: Individuals who seek constant parental approval may develop a pattern of people-pleasing behaviour. This constant striving to please others, including parents, often comes at the expense of their own needs and desires. Over time, this can lead to feelings of resentment, burnout, and a loss of self-identity.
Difficulty making decisions: The fear of disappointing parents can result in chronic indecisiveness. This indecisiveness stems from a deep-seated need to meet parental expectations at all costs, even if it means sacrificing personal desires and aspirations. As a result, individuals may find themselves missing out on opportunities for growth and progress, leading to a sense of stagnation in their lives.
Strained relationships: Constantly seeking parental approval can create challenges in asserting personal needs and boundaries in relationships. Individuals may struggle to communicate their own desires and set healthy boundaries, which can lead to conflicts both in personal and professional relationships. This can result in feelings of frustration, resentment, and a lack of fulfillment in interactions with others.
Low self-esteem: The persistent need for parental approval can significantly impact self-esteem. Constantly seeking validation from parents can erode self-confidence and create a sense of self-doubt. This can make it difficult for individuals to recognise their own abilities, strengths, and worth, leading to a diminished sense of self-esteem and self-worth.
Benefits of Therapy in Overcoming This Pattern
Therapy can be instrumental in breaking the cycle of seeking parental approval. Therapists can offer:
Explore root causes: Uncover the underlying reasons for the need for parental approval.
Challenge self-limiting beliefs: Confront and reframe negative thoughts and beliefs about oneself.
Develop self-compassion: Cultivate a sense of self-worth and acceptance, independent of external validation.
Learn coping mechanisms: Acquire tools to manage anxiety, stress, and emotional distress.
Build healthy boundaries: Establish clear and healthy boundaries with parents and others.
Practice self-care: Prioritise personal needs and well-being.
If you still find yourself seeking parental approval, taking steps to regain control of your life is essential. Therapy can aid in healing past wounds, building self-assurance, and establishing healthier relationships with oneself and others. By addressing the underlying causes of approval-seeking, individuals can break free from this constraining pattern and lead a more authentic and satisfying life.
Kirsten
Freedom Therapy
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