We've all heard the saying "forgive and forget," but let's be honest - forgetting a painful experience feels about as realistic as teleporting to Mars. So, what if forgiveness looked a little different? What if it was about releasing the burden of anger and resentment, while still acknowledging the past?
This is where the powerful concept of "forgive but not forget" comes in. It's about making a conscious choice to let go of negativity, freeing yourself to move forward, all while learning from the experience.
Here's why choosing this path might be more beneficial than you think:
Empowering Your Wellbeing: Holding onto anger is like carrying a heavy weight. Forgiveness allows you to release that burden, leading to reduced stress, anxiety, and even physical ailments.
Boosting Your Relationships: Forgiveness can mend broken bridges and foster stronger connections. It doesn't mean condoning the other person's actions, but it allows you to rebuild trust and move forward on a healthier level.
Learning From Mistakes: Sometimes, the worst experiences hold valuable lessons. Remembering the situation, without the emotional baggage, allows you to make better choices for yourself in the future.
Protecting Yourself: Forgiveness doesn't mean trusting someone blindly again. Remembering what happened allows you to set boundaries and protect yourself from similar situations.
Remember, forgiving someone and letting them off the hook are often confused, but they're distinct concepts. Here's how they differ:-
Letting Someone Off the Hook:
Focuses on the offender: It implies excusing their actions and minimising the hurt they caused.
Possible outcomes: This can lead to feelings of injustice and resentment for the victim. It also removes any incentive for the offender to take responsibility or apologise.
Forgiveness:
Focuses on the victim: It's about releasing the negative emotions like anger and resentment that the victim carries.
Possible outcomes: Forgiveness allows the victim to move forward with their life without being burdened by the past. It doesn't erase the hurt, but it takes away its power.
Here's an analogy......Imagine holding onto a hot coal. The coal represents the anger and resentment you feel towards someone. Holding onto it hurts you, not them. Forgiveness is like dropping the coal. You acknowledge it was hot, but you let it go to protect yourself and move on.
Here are some key points to remember:
Forgiveness is a choice: You choose to forgive for your own well-being, not because the offender deserves it.
Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning the action: You can still acknowledge that what they did was wrong.
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting: You can remember what happened without letting it define your present or future.
Forgiveness doesn't mean automatic reconciliation: Depending on the situation, you might choose to limit contact with the person.
By understanding the difference between forgiveness and letting someone off the hook, you can make a conscious choice that empowers you to heal and move forward.
Forgiving but not forgetting is a personal journey. It takes time and there's no right or wrong way to do it. Here are some tips to get you started:
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Don't bottle up your emotions. Allow yourself to feel the hurt, anger, or sadness before letting it go.
Practice Empathy: Try to see things from the other person's perspective (without excusing their actions).
Focus on Yourself: Forgiveness is for your own peace of mind, not for the other person.
Seek Support: Talking to a therapist or counselor can be a great way to work through your emotions and find healthy ways to forgive.
Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It's about taking back control of your life and choosing peace over negativity. So, let go of the anger, but hold onto the lessons. You'll be glad you did.
If you're struggling with hurt from the past, and you can't seem to move past it, please get in touch to see how I can help you.
Kirsten
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